


"Self Loathing"

by LovelyZelda



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-02
Updated: 2010-05-02
Packaged: 2017-10-09 06:18:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/83929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LovelyZelda/pseuds/LovelyZelda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spock has some issues with himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"Self Loathing"

Spock dislikes himself. This bothers him not because he could still become the older version of himself--doubtful given the great differences in their early adulthood. Rather, it is the fact that he is able to cause such an emotional response in himself.

He dislikes the excessively familiar way the captain greets the ambassador. At least there is little chance that Spock will ever allow himself to be hugged like a human, but it is still irritating. Kirk cannot help being human, but Spock would like to hold himself to higher standards.

It is clear that the captain is a poor influence on at least one of him.

***

While he is attempting to correct an error in McCoy's reasoning--an almost daily occurrence--the ambassador appears and asks, "An emotional response, doctor?"

"You're damned right it's an emotional response, you--" Amazingly, McCoy stops and clears his throat. Spock has difficulty understanding human emotions, but he thinks that the doctor looks embarrassed. "Forgive me, ambassador. Forgot who I was speaking to."

The ambassador raises an eyebrow. "Did you?"

McCoy looks at one Spock, then the other. "No, I guess I didn't." For some reason he smiles and, just as inexplicably, the older Spock almost smiles back. "Did you always used to piss me off like this?"

"I can only hope so, doctor."

This is incredibly illogical. It is bad enough to hope for anything--as opposed to weighing the evidence or determining the most logical outcome--but to actively desire to create negative emotions in a fellow crew member?

Ambassador Spock places a hand on McCoy's shoulder. "You will find a way," he says.

"I need to get them back to the _Enterprise_," says McCoy. "The facilities here--"

"Are a work in progress," says the ambassador. "Are the transporters still down?"

"And likely to stay that way." McCoy grimaces. "Newest ship in the fleet, and they still can't get those damn atom-spreaders to work."

"Doctor, sometimes I almost think you could cure a rainy day," says the ambassador and finally takes his hand away. "But I suggest you see to your patients."

"Explain," Spock says as soon as McCoy has left.

"I am quite familiar with the _Enterprise_," says the ambassador. "It is an excellent ship when it is not proving that what can go wrong will."

"You deliberately attempted to provoke Dr. McCoy," Spock says. "And then you expressed confidence in his abilities."

"It is hardly difficult to get an emotional response from Dr. McCoy. I have often wondered if that is part of his skill." The ambassador almost smiles again. "He is also my friend."

"Should I assume that everyone who dislikes me is someone you consider a friend?"

"I assume Dr. McCoy will take every opportunity to argue with you? That he frequently makes references to the differences in your anatomies and attempts to get you to respond emotionally?"

"Your assumption is correct."

"That means he likes you."

"That is highly illogical."

"So is McCoy."

"I do not understand how being referred to as a 'computerized hobgoblin' can be taken as a sign of friendship."

The older Spock raises both eyebrows and sighs. "No, I did not think you could."

***

Spock wishes he could think of a way to avoid eating with himself. Although he is capable of lying, it is a human action. He settles for taking his time.

"--soup," the older Spock is saying. "I once threw a bowl of it at Nurse Chapel."

He is ashamed of his older self, even though he knows he has done worse things than the ambassador. As far as he knows, the ambassador has never assaulted another officer. He would like to know the circumstances, but he suspects he does not want Kirk and McCoy to know.

"Should we warn her?" asks Kirk.

"From what I have heard, that will depend on Miss Uhura," says the ambassador. "Welcome, commander. I was wondering if you would be able to join us." Their eyes meet. "Which reminds me: I have spoken with an old friend of yours."

Spock ignores Kirk and McCoy's expressions. He does not know where this is going and is annoyed that the ambassador has no respect for his privacy.

"You do remember T'Pring?" the ambassador asks quite casually.

"Yes," says Spock. Disliking is human enough. He refuses to actually hate himself. If the older Vulcan is really so indiscreet as to mention _pon farr_ in front of humans, Spock does not know what he will do.

"She has become quite attached to a young man named Stronn," the ambassador continues. "Given your past relationship and the current circumstances, I think it would be logical for you to congratulate her on the match as soon as possible."

He had meant to speak with her and release her from their betrothal, especially once Nyota's interest proved to be lasting. He had also hoped that there would be able to avoid all aspects of it. "I had hoped--"

The ambassador shakes his head. "You will not," he says. "But I do not wish to bore my other guests."

Unfortunately, Spock can tell that Kirk and McCoy would welcome more details. He assumes their interest is part curiosity, part desire for blackmail.

***

Spock dislikes the fact that he maintains correspondence with both the captain and McCoy after they leave New Vulcan. Kirk and McCoy's fondness for him is also illogical. The ambassador may be quite familiar with versions of them, but he is little more than a stranger to them.

Eventually he contacts himself, pointing out that, despite the diverging timelines, it is still not wise to learn too much about one's future. In a perfectly rational tone he adds that neither the captain nor the doctor are truly the people that the ambassador remembers. It is unfair--and quite emotional--to treat them as such.

For his trouble he receives an account of his own death and resurrection, followed by a description of Kirk's disappearence and actual death--both secondhand--and McCoy's death. The ambassador is still Vulcan enough to make this a statement of fact, but Spock is still able to decipher the likely emotions involved.

Spock considers the message. A human would think nothing of it, and even a Vulcan would be hard pressed to find fault with it, but Spock feels he has essentially been told to go to hell. Another human expression--clearly the humans of Starfleet have never been a positive influence on him.

Spock does not believe he will become the elder he has met and resents, but he also suspects that the ambassador would not have been ashamed that he might love Nyota, just as he is not ashamed to feel friendship for Kirk and McCoy.

The older Spock is not ashamed, and there were people willing to risk their lives, careers, and minds for him. Spock suspects that the men and women he knows would be ready to do the same for the ambassador, but he can't be certain that they would do so for him. He does not want to think about how this suspicion relates to his dislike.


End file.
